Style Invitational Week 1336: Two ways about it — a double-entendre contest Plus the winning acrostic limericks — and yes, a few spell out T-R-U ... (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 13 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning acrostic limericks) /What’s something that could be said both *among Style Invitational Losers* and*in bed? * / *“That’s okay, there’s always next week.” *(Ward Kay) *“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”* (Jesse Frankovich) *“You’d better hurry up — the deadline is midnight Monday.”* (Elden Carnahan) *“I like it best with the horses.”* (Michelle Stupak) *“Not bad, but you’re no Jesse Frankovich.”* (Jesse Frankovich) This week’s contest was suggested by Loser Alex Blackwood, who helps the Empress out enormously in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook as co-admin. Alex posited the question above to the Devotees a few days ago, generating a long string of double-entendres including the ones above. Which got her thinking: What if we made a mix-and-match contest with a bunch of other situations as well? *This week: What’s something (printable) you could say in /two/ — or more — of these situations: * *●In bed* *●On a game show* *●At the supermarket* *●During a haircut* *●At a restaurant* *●At Ikea* *●At a doctor’s office* *●In a job interview* *●When Donald Trump visits your country* *●Among Style Invitational Losers* ** Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1336 * (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a *Loser Personal Care Three-Pack,* featuring a trio of perfectly normal toiletries with perfectly Loserly juvenile names: Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, which is plain old zinc oxide rash ointment; Anti Monkey Butt, which is talcum powder and some calamine; and Moco de Gorila, or Gorilla Snot, which is of course hair gel. The Snot was donated by Valerie Holt; Elden Carnahan offered up the other two. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de)Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, June 24; *results published July 14 in print, July 11 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HA FIVES: ACROSTIC LIMERICKS FROM WEEK 1332* **Whoa,*Week 1332 *proved more daunting than I’d expected; writing limericks that are both flawless and funny is hard enough — and then there was the extra challenge that they be acrostics: that the first letter of each line spelled out a pertinent word or name. But you know: the Losers. They’re good. 4th place: Also known as rash ointment, talcum powder and hair gel: This week’s second prize. *P*ut his principles off to the side; *E*nthused, he accepted the ride. *N*o big deal that the Don *C*heats and lies — I’ll still fawn!” *E*mbarrassing, dude. Have some pride. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *T*o the White House: good day from Block C! *R*eally loving Cell 143, *U*ndisturbed and at ease, *M*y . . . achoo! Did I sneeze? *P*ardon me, Mr. Prez, pardon me. — P. Manafort, U.S. Penitentiary (Duncan Stevens) 2nd place and themug with a ceramic rattlesnake head inside : *T*here now is a man (you know who) *W*ho pours out his heart on the loo *E*ach grudge he has held — *E*mphatic, misspelled — *T*he musings of Whiny the Pooh. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *C*ory B., Kirsten G., Harris, more: *R*yan, Sanders, in all twenty-four! *O*'Rourke, Warren, Biden, *W*ill the field even widen? . . . *D*on't DARE, Hillary. Nope. Yeah, we're sure. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 'Rick pshaws: Honorable mentions *T*o the Prez: May I come by for tea? *R*ight there in the White House we’ll be; *U*ndisturbed, we will savor *M*ugs of brew . . . hmmm, what flavor? *P*each and mint would be perfect for me. — E. Warren, U.S. Senate (Duncan Stevens) *B*aseball fans and the sport’s cognoscenti *R*eally thought he already made plenty. *Y*et he signed with the Phils — * C*lose to 300 mills — *E*ven though he is hitting .220. (Dave Zarrow, Reston; since this was written, Harper is back up to .251) *D*isqualified! My life’s ambition — *E*questrian race competition — *R*uined now: went astray, *B*umped a pal; now they say: *Y*our next Derby is tagged “Demolition.” — Maximum Security, Stable B (Duncan Stevens) *B*ody language? I read it like Braille, *I*’ll just nuzzle your hair and inhale. *D*onald’s term has been strange, *E*nd it now, make a change! *N*ominate me — old handsy white male. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *A *POTUS with all the right stuff! *H*ow on earth can we praise him enough? *O*h, what a rare bird! *L*et’s now find a word *E*voking him . . . /that’s/ not so tough. (Brian Allgar, Paris) *P*ush the button and watch him say “YES!” *E*very “Donald” begins with “God bless.” *N*ot a robot, but wired *’C*ause he knows what’s required:* E*ating up all the president’s mess. (Frank Mann, Washington) *N*o-nonsense Pelosi is known *A*s the one who makes Trump look half-grown. *N*ancy sets him down hard, *C*atching Donnie off guard. *Y*ou can tell she’s had kids of her own. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *“N*orth Korea is now our good friend! *U*gly threats are no longer the trend. *K*im Jong Un (have you heard?) *E*ven gave me his word, *S*o I’m /sure/ all that testing will end.” — D.T. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *C*ome and join me for dinner today! *H*ave a lobster, foie gras, a filet! *E*ven though it’s a date — *A*nd it’s gonna be great! — *P*erhaps you could offer to pay? (Beverley Sharp) *G*osh darnit, Excel closed the sheet *A*nd then froze. Once again I repeat *T*he third-finger salute, *E*nd a task, and reboot. *S*ick and tired of CTRL-ALT-DEL. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *I* can speak out, but nobody hears *O*nly cornstalks (because they have ears) *W*hoa, it’s pols without end! *A*nd each one my best friend. *N*o, really! Well, every four years. (Gary Crockett) *F*ound on beach making sculptures obscene; *L*aundered cash in a washing machine; *M*ade some meth, stole a boat, *A*te his ex-wife’s pet goat; *N*ow in prison for 10 to 15. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *L*et others seek Pulitzer Prizes; *O*ur aim, for which each of us vies, is *S*ome new blots of ink — *E*mpress says we don’t stink! — *R*ejoicing in crap she supplies us. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *P*at possesses a sizable case *R*ich in trinkets that reek of disgrace. *I*f you don’t have enough *Z*ero-usefulness stuff, *E*nter something that takes second place! (Jesse Frankovich) *S*o I think I might know how to rhyme *T*errifically clever this time *Y*et it stalls about here — *L*assitude, dude — it’s clear: *E*veryone’s better than I’m. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) *M*ay her praises be intergalactic; *Y*es, extol her in phrases didactic! *E*ndless kudos proclaim, *R*aise her glorious name! *S*ucking up is my favorite tactic. (David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.) /And last: / *R*eally /tough/ Invitational week: *H*alf acrostic, half limerick — eek! *Y*et I’ll take on this onus *M*eta theme: “And Last” bonus? *E*mpress, see how I followed all rules? (Hildy Zampella) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 17: our contest for poems based on words in this year’s National Spelling Bee. See wapo.st/invite1335. * *DON’T MISS AN INVITE! * Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.